


goodnight and joy be with you all

by esteemed_professor



Series: Nikole Shepard [4]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Mass Effect 1, Ruthless (Mass Effect), sorry for the boring background shit i swear it's important
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 17:25:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7723291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esteemed_professor/pseuds/esteemed_professor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes the past sneaks up on us when we least expect it.</p>
<p>Shepard doesn't talk about Torfan. Her former CO, however, can't seem to forget it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	goodnight and joy be with you all

**Author's Note:**

> the service record origin missions in ME1 were really important to me. shepard's origin has a subtle (but unmistakable) effect on what kind of commander they turn out to be, so it follows that i thought about nikole's origin a lot. like, A LOT a lot.
> 
> idk why this is written in past tense when all of my other stuff is present tense.

Garrus could feel the heat of Williams’ glare even with his back to her, and barely managed to stifle a sigh. The Chief had made it clear that she didn’t approve of having an alien join them on an Alliance-related mission -- _It’s none of their goddamn business, hisses Ashley, but Shepard doesn’t even dignify her complaints with a response_ \-- and was clearly still harboring some resentment towards him for coming along anyways. He didn’t really care what Williams thought of his presence; Shepard had asked him to be there, and she trusted him to have her six. And so he was, and he did.

There had been a moment of tense silence in the CIC when Hackett gave Shepard the assignment. _Major Kyle was your commanding officer on Torfan_ , he’d reminded her, and the Commander’s expression had darkened considerably. For a split second, Garrus had fully expected Shepard to tell Hackett to shove it -- which is exactly what she said to Kaiden when the Lieutenant made the mistake of mentioning the raid during one of their very first conversations -- but her tone had remained surprisingly steady, and she’d promised the Admiral to look into it.

So here they were, three Alliance marines -- Shepard, Williams, and Alenko -- and one very out-of-place turian, crawling out of the Mako to go knock on the front door of what Hackett had claimed to be some sort of biotic cult. There must have been someone monitoring their approach, because no sooner had the Commander reached the small prefab than a nasally voice spoke out of the intercomm.

“This is a _private_ sanctuary,” said the voice. “Outsiders are not welcome here.”

With her breather helmet on, it was impossible for Garrus to read Shepard’s expression, but the ripple of tension passing through her shoulders told him more than enough about what his Commander thought of being _unwelcome_.

“I need to talk to the man in charge,” she replied, her tone taking on a distinct air of importance -- it wasn’t the kind of tone that you said _no_ to. “It’s important.”

“Father Kyle wants nothing more to do with the Alliance!” barked the disembodied voice. A moment of terse silence followed, and Garrus was starting to think they’d need to force their way in after all, when Shepard spoke again.

“My name is Commander Shepard,” she said, her voice carrying a note of weariness. “Major Kyle knows me. I have to speak with him.”

Another beat of silence, then: “Father Kyle will speak with you. Head to the building at the far end of the compound. He’ll meet you there.”

The Commander turned on her heel and marched towards the building in question. Her three companions spared each other a glance, before silently trailing after her. The whole affair had the feeling of a funeral procession.

As they wove through the sparsely-furnished prefab, Garrus took the opportunity to get an idea of what their opposition looked like. There were a few of the so-called ‘cultists’ milling about, but they gave Shepard a wide berth, and he didn’t see anyone armed with anything heavier than a standard issue pistol. He hoped they wouldn’t have to fight their way out of this; it barely felt a step above killing unarmed civilians, regardless of their crazy ideologies.

Kyle was waiting, as promised, at the end of the building, in a cluttered little room that was thankfully free from the prying eyes of his followers. Shepard pulled off her helmet, and the former Major narrowed his eyes.

“I know you,” he rasped, with a strangely detached manner of a man stuck inside of a waking dream. “The Butcher of Torfan. Why have you come here, Shepard? Why can’t you leave us alone?”

From where he stood, Garrus could see the way Shepard’s features twisted into a grimace at the blatant accusation lying beneath Major Kyle’s words. She did not back down.

“You know I can’t do that, Major,” drawled Shepard. Garrus didn’t miss the way Kyle flinched at being addressed by his former rank. “What happened to those other Alliance officers? The ones who came before me?”

“They wanted to take me away from here!” snapped Kyle, a note of hostility creeping into his shrill voice. Alenko shifted his weight slightly, hovering at Shepard’s left shoulder. “They wanted me to abandon this place! Turn my back on my family. They spoke blasphemy!” Shepard looked unimpressed by this explanation; the Major seemed to wilt a little under her critical gaze. “I did what I could to make their end quick and painless. I had no other choice. It was necessary to protect my children.” The look he gave Shepard was just shy of pleading. “Only _I_ can keep them safe.”

“ _Safe_?” repeated the Commander, and Williams moved to unfold her assault rifle. Shepard spared the Chief a sharp look, before drawing herself up to address Kyle again. “You made them _murder_ a pair of _Alliance officers_! Who’s going to protect your so-called children from the consequences of that? You’re sure as hell doing a shit job of it, _Father_.”

Kyle’s mouth opened, and he struggled for words like a fish struggling to breathe out of water. Alenko kept giving Shepard sidelong looks, and by now his hand was resting on the pistol at his hip. The tension in the small room was palpable, but neither Kyle nor Shepard payed the other occupants any mind.

“If you take away their father, my children will be helpless,” croaked Kyle, taking a wary step backwards as Shepard began to advance. Garrus couldn’t blame him -- few people, human, turian or otherwise, held up under the Commander’s steely gaze.

“If you don’t come with me,” she began, her voice dropping just low enough to accentuate the underlying threat, “all of your followers will end up dead. What kind of _father_ lets his children _die_?”

It was as if she’d struck Kyle with a physical blow. Something in the atmosphere had shifted dramatically.

“I couldn’t save them!” wailed the Major, and Garrus was suddenly under the impression that Kyle was no longer referring to his fanatical followers. “How did you just keep going, Shepard? How did you bury all of the _guilt_?”

“ _Because someone has to remember them_!” she roared, and the whole room fell eerily silent.

Nobody dared move a muscle. All eyes -- including those of her fellow marines -- were fixed on Shepard. It was like they were all waiting for her outburst to be accompanied by a burst of gunfire, but not once did she move for her weapon.

Garrus gently cleared his throat, if only to break the tension a little, and the spell broke. Shepard seemed to deflate; her shoulders sagged, and all of the anger in her eyes drained away, leaving the Commander looking tired and wan.

“Because,” said Shepard, so softly that he had to strain to hear, “we owe them that much, at the very least.”

 

* * *

 

After that, there were no more protests from the Major. Shepard extracted a promise from him that he would surrender peacefully after addressing his followers, and left him to it, despite Williams and Alenko’s doubtful looks.

They trudged back to the Mako, the silence broken only by Shepard radio’ing Joker for pick-up. When they reached the tank, she made her way to the passenger side, casting a glance over her shoulder at Garrus. “You can drive, Vakarian.”

 

* * *

 

Back in the cargo bay of the _Normandy_ , Garrus caught the Commander’s arm before she had a chance to escape to the captain’s quarters.

“Shepard--” he began, even though he had no idea what he was going to say. _Are you okay_ seemed like the safest option, but she spared him the effort of making a decision by cutting him off.

“Not today, Garrus,” she mumbled, and he didn’t miss the way she used his first name, or the bone-deep weariness of her tone. “Maybe some day. But not today.”

He let her go, and watched her retreating back before the elevator cut off his view.  
  
_Some day_ , he thought. _I’ll hold you to that, Commander_.

**Author's Note:**

> and so absolutely nothing was accomplished and shepard continued to pretend that she Doesn't Have Problems.
> 
> obviously, i take a few liberties with the ruthless background, because FUCK YOU BIOWARE DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO FEEL
> 
> the title is from part of a verse in the poem/song "the parting glass":
> 
> but since it falls unto my lot  
> that i should rise and you should not  
> i'll gently rise and i'll softly call  
> goodnight and joy be with you all


End file.
